I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize