Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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