And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
