I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
