I'm gonna have a badass scar
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
