I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
