I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she told me i tasted like america
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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