Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
