Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
