the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
