Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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