I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
