fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
