Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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