wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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