you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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