after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
