I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
