Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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