4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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