my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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