i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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