sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
