i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
