Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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