i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
