We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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