This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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