i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
