I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
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