Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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