The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize