I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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