Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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