from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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