I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
