you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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