just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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