dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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