Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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