Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
