i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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