Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
