She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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