"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
