I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
