im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
