Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
i now understand why vodka
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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