he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
