If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
