my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She needs sedatives and a leash
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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