She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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