why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
