She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
