I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
