I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
